Thursday, July 25, 2013
{ 1:01 AM }
Hey yo ! I guess, this post would just be on my thoughts on things, since I am busy with school work and exams coming up real soon. And I have my own expectations to meet. So yeah. No time to write ! A blog post would do, I guess.
Its supposed to be mine. Its really supposed to be mine. And I was patiently waiting for it to come. Yet, I fell short of it. And I am still trying to pull myself up from it. Unfortunately, I am just falling down even further, into the deepest, darkest of pits and I am totally helpless. No one to pull me up. Its just a battle of me, with my own brute strength, trying to climb out of the wall of eternity. Can I make it? That, I am unsure of it myself. No longer the girl that I used to know, no longer the familiar, cheerful person that I used to know. How then. How then, am I supposed to get out of this ? With God's strength, definitely.
Oh Dear Lord, please give me the strength for me to fight this batter. Please strengthen my heard and soul and don't leave me behind, for you and only you could be the Saviour of my problems and my own fears.
It's done. So what should I do about it ? Should I just post it up on instagram and let you see it ? But what if you don't even see it ? Should I just throw it away, or should I chuck it to one side? Every stick hurts, every lie kills. And with every broken promise that you made, you just kill me a little more inside. It hurts so deeply. Even with all the broken promises that I had faced, the setbacks that I had, the problems that burdened me, I am still unable to get those words out of my mind. You just appear in my head, even when I don't want it to happen. You're enjoying your time with the company of others, but what about me?
It sucks to be constantly caring. It sucks to be constantly cheering people up when they don't see my own sadness. It sucks to see your loved ones leaving you. It sucks when the people you love are suffering and here you are, unable to do anything. And no matter how much help I try to give, I'll eventually be shunt away. For what reason, I myself do not know. But it's okay I guess, for eventually, I'll still be able to make myself happy and cheerful no matter what happens. I guess, that's something that I like about myself. For being forever up and happy and high and bringing smiles to people's face. It's a nice scene, Really !
I have a wish. I have a dream. I had many dreams. But they are all crushed and destroyed by people who lost hope in me. Am I that useless ? Too bad, I'm sorry. But at least, I'm better than those that didn't try alright. And I will prove you wrong. For I will not back down from challenges. I may not get there eventually, but at the end of the day, I'll feel proud, because I've tried my best and I didn't give up.
To my dearest, beloved brother, I wish to congratulate you on your convocation. It's next week, it's a little early, I know, but, since little people read this blog of mine, I'll just post it up. Idc. Hehs ! I'll be doing another post on Facebook, but well, I do mean every single word that I say here alrights. Maybe, I'll write a card for you ? I have no idea. And I have no time to go to Ikea to buy a frame to do up a collage for you. Haish. I'm sorry bro. So, if you do come across this blog, well, hey ! This is for you, big bro !
Hey dude, my little irritating brother who would always be my older brother, no matter what happens. Your journey in university has officially ended and it was tough. I know. I truly know how it feels, to have your heart broken, to lose the motivation, to just feel like giving up, to break down and cry, to wanting to scream and run away. You're now, officially a teacher. You managed to get what you wanted, what you have always dreamed for since young. I am really proud of you brother. You're an inspiration, a motivation to all the late bloomers and though I had always been ahead of you in terms of academics, I guess, it doesn't matter. What matters is your goals, your character, life values and ultimately, who you would want to become. I pray that you'll be the best educator out there, motivating the children, guiding them to the correct path, bringing smiles to them, and, just be part of their school life when they are young. I am really grateful that we eventually got close, although we only got closer in the later part of my life, but still, better late than never. My dear brother, I wish that you would stop taking my food and learn to not be lazy and go out and BUY YOUR OWN FOOD. YOUR SMALL PORTION IS ALWAYS ABOUT HALF THE SIZE OF MY MAC CAN :( BULLY ME ONLY. But it's okay. I still love you. A lot. Like a lot.
There are times when I just feel like going up to you and just give you a great big hug when you're down. I'll always be your number one supporter okay. I'll always be here for you, no matter what happens. And I'll stay by your side and be that little sister who is special and unique in people's eyes but just a common, young, irritating little sister in your own eyes ! Hehs. It's really been a long journey, and a really challenging and traumatising one too. You look great, btw, in your graduation gown. I am sorry. I am really sorry for if it wasn't for my stubbornness, we could have another teacher in the house. Sorry. I'll work hard, and prove people wrong alright. Happy graduation ! Proud of you brother !
The flashbacks. I can't do anything about it. Disliked, ignored, criticized, thrown aside, everything. I can forgive but I'll never forget everything that has happened. It haunts me these few days and it makes me uncomfortable. I wish, well, yeah.
I'll prove you wrong.
Dear Allah, thank you for letting me experience Ramadhan this year. Its really a blessing for me. Thank you Allah.
Okay. Damn wordy. Shall end here ! See ya peopleeeeee. No pictures ! Cause I am using my school lappy. Hence, no pictures. Maybe, I'll do up a picture post of me and my friends ? Idk. So yeah. Ending off with my boring life. Take care.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
{ 6:07 PM }
I WILL TAKE A CAT AND THROW IT AT YOU AND MAKE YOU RUN AROUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. OR JUST SCARE YOU WITH ROACHES THOUGH I AM ALSO SCARED OF IT. ARGHHHH. I WANNA FREAKING SCREAM AT YOU RIGHT NOW. Okay, patience Syathirah. Patience. Breathe.
Words, the easiest to say yet, it just simply means nothing at all.
What shows then ?
Actions.
And thanks, for making me lose hope and faith in everything.
Thanks for making me a quiet person.
Thanks for the fake smiles on my face every single day.
I've nothing else to say, for I am just a different person right now.
Once, or twice, or even several times, I can take it.
But I do have my limits.
And I'm proud to say, that you've made me see the reality of things.
I'm just a step away from losing myself.
And once it's lost, don't ever regret not knowing me better.
But don't ever miss the person that you once knew.
For gone and lost and it'll take a while to return.
Iftar with the Malay peeps in my class and the peeps in my cohort. I miss spending time with them, especially being in a Malay Community. Though I dreaded it, but still, it was fun while it lasted. I couldn't dance. I couldn't sing. I sing and dance so horribly, but they were ever so patient with me, and I totally took it for granted. Now, it's just .... so boring. And weird. I am seldom meeting up with my Malay girls, and I seldom get to meet my friends too. And not only that, competitive volleyball is going to stop soon for me and I totalyl hate it. What's wrongggg with meeeee.
Am I not capable ? Am I falling short of my dreams ? Have I tasted too much defeat such that I don't care about things anymore and just don't care about it ? I just hate this feeling.
One less wouldn't hurt, does it.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
{ 1:53 AM }
*Yawnnnnnnnn*
Okay. 1.47 AM in the morning and I am plain tired. And sleepy. And less than 3 hours, I have to wake up again to go for training. Oh nooo. Tired and sleepy girl is tired and sleepy. I think I can sleep anywhere, like literally anywhere right now. My eyebags are horrendous and I have panda eyes. And I think I'll just sleep during training tomorrow. No energy to play ball in the morning. And its the morning. LIKE EARLY IN THE MORNING. Tired me is tired.... :(
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Keep on moving forward and never let the setbacks hold onto you for far too long.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
{ 2:18 PM }
Give me a hand, and I'll gladly grab it for you to pull me up. What about right now ? How about in a few minutes ? Or in a few hours ? Would you hold out your hand for me ? Maybe not. For I have none. Not a single hand to pull me up. Nor do I have anything for me to grab hold and just push myself forward.
Been thinking a lot these few days. It's just time before everything else happens.
Push me back down and I'll get back up again. Take away my courage and I'll take awhile to climb back up to the top. Take away my confidence and my positivity and I'll just die a painful death. For it has happened and I don't want it to happen again.
I was lost since Monday. And they only found the real me on Thursday. Quiet vs noisy. Why won't you believe me? Why would you prefer the noisy me? Just because I am not the usual, bubbly me that shares the pain and burden with you ? Not the me that can make you smile whenever I want to and I feel like it? But how about me then. Its always fine for you but not for me.
I hope for you to be alright and stay strong. For I can't do anything when you're walking and fighting this battle alone. I can only be your pillar of strength and to cheer you up whenever you need a touch of joy in your life. Other than that, I am just nothing. A few years down the road, maybe, not today, not tomorrow, maybe, just in the near future, it'll be my turn. Just how much can I endure, I won't know. For the person that you've known is now lost. For the person that you've known is just a stranger. Maybe you won't even realise it until I am gone.
Left as easy as you came, leaving behind nothing but just broken smiles.
{ 12:57 PM }
Okay. So, It's been awhile since I last wrote. And I am too lazy to write. Since, a lot has happened ! Aiya, the usual things. So yeah !!! Okay. I am up at.....3+ right now. 3.35 to be exact. Okay. Since....I am too lazy to write, so let's just say everything here alright. So .... to begin with...
PRESENTATION IS OVER. Yes ah ! Darn happy about it ! Like, no longer need to be angry and pissed about them not doing work, or working too slow, or being procrastinators. Come to think of it, it really did showed me all your character and behaviour. Maybe it's just me being too judgemental or too sensitive....but hey ! I've worked with many different people. But through all that, I was still affected by all your behaviours and all. It's a complicated world, with me being a small human being (not literal meaning though), unable to do anything, unable to influence, unable to have it done in my way all the time, but still, I just can't stand all your behaviours. Its just....disgusting. Treat us like how you want to be treated. Remember that. And we're not your substitutes when there's no one else for you. Spare a thought for us as well please. How ironic and annoying. Okay. Enough about that. It's over anyway. And I managed to overcome it ! Although I did have some episodes of anger and flaring up. I TRIED. But their actions, they simply deserved it. Alrights. Moving on.
Okay. Volleyball wise, it really got me thinking at times. What if, I was just a typical girl that took everything just for granted and settled for the things that was given to me. What if I was a lazy girl, who didn't even bother to work hard and didn't bother to persevere and press on through all the shit that happened (Pardon me for my choice of words here). What if, I didn't even bother to even try and improve ? And to listen to all the advice that was given to me? I wonder how would I be? Would I still be able to play like how I am right now? Would I still be able to meet all the wonderful people that I have met? Would my trials have had a different outcome? Would people perceive me differently? The girl that got muscles, the girl that is damn muscular and scary, the girl that is damn fierce, the girl that got swag. Would it be different ? Idk. I really don't know. The way I play....it's just....a bit scary I think. Roar. Okay. Try to play gracefully next time. Something that always keeps me going....Hmmm, this. And I was glad that I did, move on and carry on.
"Just because you're the minority, doesn't mean you can't do great things"
Up next, well, just my own thoughts. Forever thinking so much . Gosh. Okay. Okay. Nothing. Hehe.
I SAW THIS DAMN NICE ANKLET AND I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND IT ANYWHERE ! *SECRETLY CRIES*
I will never give up. No matter what happens. Syathirah never says die. And she will never leave anyone behind.
"Move forward but leave nothing behind. You only add them up. You do not cut them away or shunt them off if they are lagging behind. That, is a truly noble thing to do, for they'll appreciate you for hanging on by them."
This is so true !
Okay end of story. Nighttttt !!
